This week has been ROUGH! I have a sinus infection, which means I have no energy and constant pain, John had finals this week so I have been a single mom the last two weeks. Oh and I can’t seem to snap out of this angry, depressed mood I have been in for quit some time.
Why am I depressed and angry? I literally see my husband have multiple seizures every single day! I don’t even remember a day that he hasn’t had a seizure.Can I just say I hate Epilepsy, I hate that there isn’t a cure for it, I hate that my husband has seizures, I hate all the uncertainty in my life right now, I hate the depression and anxiety it causes me on a daily basis, I hate that I have no Idea how this is going to affect us in the future, I hate that this could kill him, I hate how much stress this has caused our relationship, I hate that no one in my life understands , I hate that I can’t ask my husband to run to the store because I forgot something ( he can’t drive bc of the seizures), I hate that I couldn’t fully enjoy my newborn baby who I prayed and begged for so long because I was soooooo worried and stressed out of my mind because I didn’t know what was going on with my husband, I hate that my husband can’t listen and enjoy music like he use to (music causes John to have seizures), I hate when people tell me it could be worse because this is pretty bad and his condition could get worse, I hate that his medicine isn’t working, Ugh the sad thing is I could go on but I will stop.
Sorry this is so negative but this is how I feel and I am working on trying to get use to this new life. Some weeks are better than others, this week I am just frustrated that John has been on medicine since March and nothing has changed. Luckily, his doctor has changed up his medicine so we are hoping,praying that we will see some decrease in seizures soon. We had an appointment this week and have to keep track on how many seizures he has a day. The doctor is amazed that John has 5 seizures a day and is actually able to function. I don’t really know how I should feel about his comment.
John has been pretty amazing with everything. You would think I am the one who has Epilepsy by the way I am talking. I think its just hard for me because I am the one who has to see it and while he's having a seizure he's not aware of it happening.But He is doing amazing in school . I am so grateful that he hasn’t let this hold him back from accomplishing his goals.John has clinicals coming up in November so we are just praying that he will be seizure free by then.
Some days I can’t believe everything we have had to go through since we have been married ( Miscarriage, 2 and a half years of infertility,and Epilepsy). I am very aware that things truly could be worse. We are blessed with the sweetest little girl you could ever ask for among other things. I don’t know what I would do without Sophie….Heavenly father knew what he was doing when he sent her at the time he did. I am more aware everyday of how I am so NOT in control of a lot of things in my life. I never would of guessed we would be going through this when we first were married. I love this quote "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead." Marjorie Hinckley. I find myself wishing the days away and I need to STOP. I have a lot to work on but hopefully I will learn what I need to from this experience..
