This week has been ROUGH! I have a sinus infection, which means I have no energy and constant pain, John had finals this week so I have been a single mom the last two weeks. Oh and I can’t seem to snap out of this angry, depressed mood I have been in for quit some time.
Why am I depressed and angry? I literally see my husband have multiple seizures every single day! I don’t even remember a day that he hasn’t had a seizure.Can I just say I hate Epilepsy, I hate that there isn’t a cure for it, I hate that my husband has seizures, I hate all the uncertainty in my life right now, I hate the depression and anxiety it causes me on a daily basis, I hate that I have no Idea how this is going to affect us in the future, I hate that this could kill him, I hate how much stress this has caused our relationship, I hate that no one in my life understands , I hate that I can’t ask my husband to run to the store because I forgot something ( he can’t drive bc of the seizures), I hate that I couldn’t fully enjoy my newborn baby who I prayed and begged for so long because I was soooooo worried and stressed out of my mind because I didn’t know what was going on with my husband, I hate that my husband can’t listen and enjoy music like he use to (music causes John to have seizures), I hate when people tell me it could be worse because this is pretty bad and his condition could get worse, I hate that his medicine isn’t working, Ugh the sad thing is I could go on but I will stop.
Sorry this is so negative but this is how I feel and I am working on trying to get use to this new life. Some weeks are better than others, this week I am just frustrated that John has been on medicine since March and nothing has changed. Luckily, his doctor has changed up his medicine so we are hoping,praying that we will see some decrease in seizures soon. We had an appointment this week and have to keep track on how many seizures he has a day. The doctor is amazed that John has 5 seizures a day and is actually able to function. I don’t really know how I should feel about his comment.
John has been pretty amazing with everything. You would think I am the one who has Epilepsy by the way I am talking. I think its just hard for me because I am the one who has to see it and while he's having a seizure he's not aware of it happening.But He is doing amazing in school . I am so grateful that he hasn’t let this hold him back from accomplishing his goals.John has clinicals coming up in November so we are just praying that he will be seizure free by then.
Some days I can’t believe everything we have had to go through since we have been married ( Miscarriage, 2 and a half years of infertility,and Epilepsy). I am very aware that things truly could be worse. We are blessed with the sweetest little girl you could ever ask for among other things. I don’t know what I would do without Sophie….Heavenly father knew what he was doing when he sent her at the time he did. I am more aware everyday of how I am so NOT in control of a lot of things in my life. I never would of guessed we would be going through this when we first were married. I love this quote "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead." Marjorie Hinckley. I find myself wishing the days away and I need to STOP. I have a lot to work on but hopefully I will learn what I need to from this experience..
3 comments:
Jess I am so sorry. That just is not fair! Health problems are so sucky, and not just for the person experiencing them..the spouse lots of the time is silently suffering as well. Life is so not fair. I feel the same anger you feel. To have something that huge and scary be completely out of your Control is so frustrating.especially when you feel like its all been dumped on you, and you've had more than your fair share! I know there isn't a lot I could say to make you feel better..but I can absolutely empathize with you. And I am so sorry you guys are in this situation. Keep your chin up! Somehow, someway, I hope you get the answers you need! Jess Newcomb
So sorry to hear things aren't going well. Have you heard of or talked about a ketogenic diet? It's supposed to help with seizures in children, however, I don't see why you couldn't try it for an adult. Please let me know if you want more information...or you could ask his doctor about it. Hope you can find some joys among all these trials!
I'm so sorry. I have had MANY negative days where all I want to do is scream. Ethan also has seizures as well as many other issues. Every time I think "he hasn't had one in a while" he has another one and I just want to scream! Sometimes the "it could be worst" phrase helps but it comes down to the fact that it STILL SUCKS! The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the fact that I agreed to this. I think we knew to some degree what our struggles and trials would be and we still said "ok". And our Heavenly Father knew we could handle them or else we wouldn't have been given the trials we go through. Hang in there and we will be praying for you guys. And remember you are entitled to vent every once in a while :)
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